


The Worst Thing

by himawri45 (kotaka_kun)



Series: Pink Carnations [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alpha!Bucky, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Angst, Infertility, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Omega!Steve, Omegaverse, Pre-Serum, Pre-War, not much of a happy end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-17
Updated: 2018-02-17
Packaged: 2019-03-20 05:24:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13710771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kotaka_kun/pseuds/himawri45
Summary: ‘Next time,’ Bucky would always say, ‘We can try again next time.’ But Steve didn’t want to have to keep trying for next time. Bucky shouldn’t have to keep trying. There was no question that this was Steve’s fault -- no question that he was the defective one. The frustration and self-loathing festered and stewed, getting worse with every failed heat.





	The Worst Thing

**Author's Note:**

> //Super sad prompt :( I am so sorry. Could you write a pre-serum fic where Steve and Bucky manage to conceive by accident, but just as Steve is starting to show and Bucky is becoming less panicked and more excited for it, their worst fear comes true, Steve's frail body can't handle the pregnancy and they lose the pup.//
> 
> cross-posted on [this blog](http://ohmyomegasteveandalphabucky.tumblr.com)

Ever since he’d presented, the doctors had said that due to his poor health and weak physique, it was likely he wouldn’t be able to carry a pup to term if he even managed to become pregnant in the first place. His heats would undoubtedly be sporadic at best, and even then wouldn’t last the full week they were supposed to. 

Of course, that hadn’t kept them from trying. They were both determined to start a family, after all. But it just wasn’t meant to be. Every heat he’d shared with Bucky, he’d taken a pregnancy test in the weeks after, and every time, he’d be terribly disappointed. But more than that, he was frustrated with himself. What kind of Omega was he, if he couldn’t even bear his Alpha children? What use was he to Bucky? It ate at him, making him feel worse and worse every time he was forced to see the negative results on the pregnancy tests, every time he had to give Bucky the slightest of headshakes and see the suppressed look of disappointment that his mate did his best to cover with a shrug and understanding smile. 

‘Next time,’ Bucky would always say, ‘We can try again next time.’ But Steve didn’t want to have to keep trying for next time. Bucky shouldn’t have to keep trying. There was no question that this was Steve’s fault -- no question that he was the defective one. The frustration and self-loathing festered and stewed, getting worse with every failed heat.

Of course, it didn’t take long for Bucky to realize. The confrontation had come one night after dinner, as Steve cleared the table ushering Bucky to go to bathe and get to bed. 

“Alright, what’s bothering you?” he’d asked, and Steve didn’t have to turn around to know that Bucky would have an eyebrow cocked, one corner of his mouth tugged downwards in a lopsided frown. 

“What do you mean?” Steve asked, feigning ignorance as he scrubbed a dish clean before running it under hot water and setting it aside. 

“Don’t play dumb, Rogers.” Bucky came up behind him, arms wrapping around his waist as his chin came down to rest on Steve’s shoulder. “Did something happen today?”

“Nothing happened today.” Steve huffed, shrugging off his mate as best he could so he could finish up the dishes. “You worry too much.” 

“No such thing when it comes to you.” Bucky murmured, reaching over to turn off the water, and took the last dish out of Steve’s hands before he could protest. Setting it aside, he pulled Steve close and looked at him pointedly. “Now c’mon, ‘fess up. What’s got you in this mood?” 

“I’m not  _ in _ a mood, Buck” Steve said sharply, trying to pull away. “Lay off, would you?” 

“Is it about your heats?” Steve went still very suddenly as shame settled in his gut. Bucky had always had a knack for figuring him out, as infuriating as it could be. And of course, his lack of response was the only confirmation Bucky needed. “Stevie-” 

“Don’t start.” Steve snapped, pushing him away, and this time, Bucky let him. “I’m- I can’t- I’m no good, Buck.” He hated how defeated he sounded, but there was no helping it. “You take care of me enough as it is, the least I should be able to do is provide you with a litter. But I can’t even do that. All I do is rack up hospital bills when I get sick! And I can’t even have my heats right!” The more he went on, the louder his voice became, and he hadn’t realized that he’d started to cry until he blinked and felt hot tears begin to stream down his face. 

And then he was being pulled into warm, strong, safe arms and it was all he could do to bury his face in Bucky’s chest. 

“You cook me hot meals that I always look forward to, even when all I can provide for you is cans of cheap soup.” Bucky said softly. “You rub my feet when they’re sore before I even ask you, and kiss me goodnight,” He nuzzled into the crook of Steve’s neck, gently kissing the bondmark there, “And you keep me in line, and you let me sleep pressed up against you even in the summer so I can scent you first thing in the morning. There’s so much you do for me that you don’t even realize you’re doing, sweetheart. Just ‘cause you can’t pop a pup out? It don’t mean nothin’. As long as I have you, I don’t think I much need anything else.” 

Steve felt nothing but sincerity and love in his Alpha’s words, and he allowed himself to believe Bucky. 

“When did you turn into such a sap?” Steve mumbled, wiping the last of his tears away and giving Bucky the best smile he could manage. 

“When I fell in love with you, doll.” Bucky replied, planting a sweet kiss to his lips. 

And then that was that. It wasn’t to say that they stopped trying, but Steve put less pressure on himself from then on during his heats, and instead taking comfort in his Alpha’s presence. 

So naturally, when Steve missed a heat, he didn’t think much of it. His cycles were as irregular as ever, so it wasn’t much indication of anything. And when the smell of the bakery down the street made him run for the nearest trash can as his lunch made an unwarranted reappearance, he chalked it up to anemia. Bucky made it a point to try and bring home red meats, but even then his nausea had persisted, so he’d had no choice but to go to the doctor. 

Neither of them were prepared for the smile the doctor wore when they were called in, or the congratulatory words that were followed by, “It seems you’re pregnant!”

Steve had blinked, and then stared down at his still-flat-abdomen. He’d barely heard the doctor recommend boiling ginger and sipping the extract to counteract his morning sickness. And then they were sent on their way. 

It was damn near impossible to wrap his mind around, but once they got home, it seemed to finally hit the both of them. Picking him up, Bucky spun Steve around wearing the biggest grin as he whooped and hollered to what must’ve been the entire neighborhood that they were going to be parents. Steve hadn’t been able to restrain his own pure giddiness and glee at the idea either, and laughter slowly begame giggles, became whispers, became kisses. They’d waited so long, and finally,  _ finally _ , they were going to become parents. 

Bucky’s favorite pastime quickly became talking to Steve’s stomach, and as ticklish and sometimes downright embarrassing it could feel to have Bucky’s face pressed right up against him like that, he couldn’t find it in him to tell Bucky to stop. 

Steve found some books at the secondhand shop on knitting, and before long, he was making pairs upon pairs of little baby booties, and little hats in all sorts of colors too. It seemed to please Bucky to no end to see the increasing number of baby things scattered about their little apartment. 

Bucky took up longer shifts at the docks too, to put some money away, he told Steve. Steve wasn’t quite eating for two yet, but Bucky was certainly anticipating it. Besides, he’d say, he had to be feeding Steve right if he was going to call himself the father. It was so endearing, and the sight of Bucky already caring about their pup made Steve’s heart swell. And if he shed a tear or two, it was obviously because he was pregnant and emotional. 

Months passed, and then one morning, as Steve was getting dressed, he found himself struggling to do up his trousers. They felt tighter than before, and it took him a beat to realize why, but as soon as he did, he hurried to the bathroom and did his best to examine his abdomen in the mirror, and sure enough, there was the slightest of an outward curve to his midsection now. Bucky was ecstatic to see it too, when Steve later lifted his shirt to show his mate. 

So it was just that much more heartbreaking when one Sunday, Bucky woke to Steve’s pained cries as blood seeped from Steve’s boxers and into their sheets.    
There was nothing that could have been done, the doctors would later tell them. The lack of closure didn’t help to mend their hearts, and they were left to their own devices to comfort one another. Bucky would wake several times in the night to find Steve sobbing apologies, to which Bucky could only ever respond to with apologies of his own -- Steve, for having such a broken body, and Bucky, for not being able to take good enough care of him. 

Steve would go on to worldlessly unravel everything he’d knitted, boiled the yarn free of the memories that clung to the warped strands, and dried it before stowing it away. The mere memory of such hopeful and happy days hurt him deeply, and he was sure he was doing the same to Bucky. 

So he did his best to pick up their old routine, pretended the months of waiting for a little one to join them hadn’t happened, and slowly but surely, they regained some semblance of normalcy. 

America had entered the war amidst their personal struggles, and when Bucky was drafted, Steve felt like he was losing everything all over again. Saying goodbye to Bucky had been the hardest and absolute worst thing Steve had ever had to do. So of course he’d jumped at the chance Erskine offered him. It wasn’t like he had anything to lose at this point, after all. 

**Author's Note:**

> come keep me company on [tumblr](http://kotaka-kun.tumblr.com)!!


End file.
